Shana Tova like you just don't give a shit!

'Shana Tova like you just don't give a shit!'
--------------------------------------------

For 2000 years since the Birth of Christ
Ashkenezi and Sephardic Tryst
We blow Shofar like Leonides blows Greeks
Save this night underneath them sheets

Cause you gotta:
Wave your hands up in the air
Gently now don’t strain your brow
Shana Tova like you just don’t give a shit
Rosh Hashana is the Legal hit

Corporations out there don’t understand the Religious Fray
When Moses had deliverance of the 10 commandments this Day
They think it’s driving the Pigs out yonder Bay
Kosher, honey apples and Gefiltefish
You’d better recognize this Jewish

Cause you gotta:
Wave your hands up in the air
Gently now don’t strain your brow
Shana Tova like you just don’t give a shit
Rosh Hashana is the Legal hit

So dunk yourself like Efron dunks balls
Prepare yourself through Yamim Noraim halls
Sedate yourself of the coming high hols
And Shana Tova like you just don’t give a shit!

@C dtm productions

The Politics of Piling

I really like salad bars, so when I found one in Venice, I got reeeeaaaallllyyyy excited! Enough of this pizza and pasta crap. So I ask the lady what the dealio was, in fluent Italian. 3 szes of bowls, smalled was 4.50 medium was 5.50 and large was 7.50 euos, weird scaling eh. So t was lunch time and i decided id just get the small size and pack it in. now when an opportunity like this presents itself to me, I really pack it in. Im talking Mongolian grill style Pack it in *we all know Mong Style from Vancouver*. Why wouldnt you take a bowl amd if you got one chance only, pack as much stuff in there as possible. So I did, man I filled that thing to the brim and over. lettuce on the bottom, tomatoes and watercress, cheese, boiled eggs, tuna, onions, beets, mushrooms, ore tuna, moe lettuce, carots and some pckled peppers with sundried tomatoes on top. Man it was great, it felt like it weighed a ton. So I go up to pay fo my small salad bowl, and the girl who gave me the pices looks at me funny, stares at the bowl, then says..

7 Euros.
What, you told me it was 4.50 for a small.
Dis not small she replied, dis gigante she replied.
But yeah its in a small bowl
As she lifts the bowl, Heavy
Yeah but you arnt chaging by weight, your charging by bowl, what do you expect me to do, put half as uch salad as the bowl can fit
Dis not salad, dis tuna and onions, salad has tomatoes and lettuce in it
I was about to go bonkers!
There is lettuce and tomatoes in here, its just underneath the tuna for chrissake! And who are you to tell me what to put in my salad, its a salad bowl!

Now Im not trying to be funny, but this is just another way these italians rape money from you. The manager then comes in

What iz da problem
I was told it was 4.50 for this small salad bowl and now shes charging me 7
You put too much, if you put so much you must by larger bowl
yea but its a small bowl, you have larger bowls who want to put more than what ive got in mine, what difference does it make..

I felt like I was about to punch a wall

No iz too much, 6 euros minimum

Now I had 2 options, walk away from this tasty salad that i personally compiled, after ive been starving and salivating over the thought of greens, or pay 6 euros and just forget it. I decided the latter as i figured id have the cambarineri all over me if i just plopped a 5ver.

One last thing i said after I paid my money

Look, you go to North America, and we-ll show you how to pile a salad and not get ripped off for it, the land of the free beeyatch! *I made sure i accentuated that last word as to not confuse her*

And then I went outside and chowed down. But honestly now. Who doesnt pile a salad bowl when you only have one chance to make your fill. Man I miss the Mongolie Grill Back home.

Pulling a Larry David

Ok I admit it, I pulled a Larry David. I had no other choice. The campsite in Venice (or rather just outside Marco Polo) has about 5 showers in the section I was at. One of them was a handicapped washroom. Well all of the showers were full at 10am except the handicapped one. I figured id only be in there for a 5 minute rinse off, how fast was that, no ones gonna need to use it. So I decide, hell with it, Im going in. No sooner had I just turned on the hot running water, did the door bust open. Now Im not going to backtrack but this particular large stall did not have a lock on it, so I just shut the door thinking people would hear the running water knowing someone was inside. This bloke rolled in looking like Leuitenant Dan and gave me this look, me standing there dong out and all looking kind of surprised. I could count to 5 seconds as we both stared at each other. I think he was in awe that I was using the handicapped shower, I was in awe that someone just rolled in on my campsite shower. He blurted out 'What the fuck, you shouldnt be in here' obviously agitated. I did the only thing I could think of doing at that moment, what else does one do when they are caught standing up naked in a handicapped shower. I grunted 'Mrrrm Meuh ha huh he hu nu nooo noo' Which made absolutely no sense, but then again how else am I supposed to prove that I was disabled somehow. 'mrruuu mruuu murr ne na tekanis?' I continued. He glared at me and yeleld 'get out'. I decided the only way to get this dude out of my shower was to throw a tantrum, so I did just that, raising my voice 'ne ya nu ka ka ka go', to that effect while dancing a rain dance. I was hoping id spooke him out of there. It worked as he turned around and rolled out yelling 'fucking loser!' at me. My act seemed to have worked. Now I realize I shouldnt be getting any PC kudo points out of this, and i do realize that i shouldnt have been in there in the first place, but i remember that episode on season 5 in Curb Your Enthusiasm, and that almost makes it seem alright. When i exited he was no where to be found, so im assuming he just rolled into the next free shower. 'Well then you wait, you waiiiiiiit'.

dtm

'Journey'

I thought i'd explore my songwriting abilities in my hostelling downtime, so Im giving my hand at writing lyrics (and not my obscene dirty crack spinoffs)! Inspired by listening to lots of Matthew Good, Chilli Peppers and Greenday. Prose, Hyperbole or song, just need some music behind it. Perhaps it will mean different things to different people, thats the cool thing about it, it isnt just me.

'JOURNEY' - by dtm

Where does this path take me, is there no end in sight,
I see the line before me, but do I walk it straight,
You see, I have a psychic, she says I'm lonely, She says my destiny is turning out all wrong,
The pictures speak but they cannot hear, In my own skin, theres nothing to fear,
I'm sitting in a dark room wondering what to do with the rest of my life,
Everything they told me was a fucking lie,
And I drink, and I dance and I sing,
The partys on you and Im just a guest this time,
100 miles an hour, wind rushing by my face,
Its a hop skip and jump to that very old same place,
But the smiles and laughter all around, make you stand up and feel proud,
For this Journey, it lasts a lifetime,
A lifetime of You and Me,
Its alright now, take the world and make it yours again.

dtm

Genoa Salami

Get aload of these 2. I'm gonna tell you the end of this story so i'll sort of Tarrintino it, and then describe the events that led up to what was said as 'I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!', then I bolted fast.

I left Shara's place in Asti on the train I 'thought' was going to Milan. It was about 2 minutes to so I jumped on the train that was listed as Milan. Turned up I ended up in some small shit town I cant even remember the name of which looked to have about 500 inhabitants. And I thought Asti was small. Checking the schedule, the next train to Milan was 2 hours from, but they had a train to Genoa. Interesting, I never thought of Genoa so I decided to hop on that train in a hour and explore Genoa for a few hours before heading off to Como. The train was already parked so I got on and waited. This bloke rocked up to it 10 minutes later and asked me if it was going to Genoa in Italian. I kind of pointed and said probably. Turns out there was another train parked in front of the one I sat on thatwas the actual train going, so I got off and walked to the front train with the bloke. He was trying to have a conversation with me in full on Italian as he sat next to me. Now usualy I lose my patience and think whats the point, but I thought Id give it a try and maybe learn some words. He was about 45 years old, 5'6 and had a wedding ring on. Nothing out of the ordinary and he didnt even talk in a higher pitched voice. He was a nurse and was on his way to work, or so I thought, I cant understand Italian! He was showing me pix on his camera of his kids and even his wife. So we bantered about where we were from and about the Cinque Terre where I just visted to which he replied 'Mortebello (very beautiful)'. After about 35 minutes he threw out the word 'Mantegeitte' (spelt differently) which I understood as to eat, in Genoa. I thought how cool, perhaps he knew a good place where the locals go to for some good pasta to have some lunch, then be on our way. So I said yes, what the hell, go for the 'Real Italian Experience', why shy away. He was on the phone and I managed to pick out that a 3rd Amigo would join. Cool. When we got to Genoa he bought me 2 bus tickets and we hopped on a bus towards some full on residential area, way behind the touristy stuff of Genoa. We rocked up to an apartment, so I thought, ok he is picking up his friend then we'll walk to this joint. We ended up heading upstairs which I thought was weird. Once in his buddy answers the door and invites us in. We are in the Kitchen and they start making food. I immediately get the impression something is up, but I thought ok, I wanna push the limits and see what will happen. His buddy, who spoke a little English was about 42, with intense blue eyes and told me he is on holiday and lives in Paris, so the bloke spoke English, Italian and French. They start making all this food meanwhile offering me wine (which I drank), there wasent much conversation as they were preparing. I thought it was a little odd that the guy who had the apartment turned on some music to the tune of Madonna, American Dream. Youd think it funny that a couple of blokes would want to listen to Madonna, why not some Snoop Dog or some Hip Hop. When all was done we sat down at the table to eat. It was a 4 course meal with pasta, salad, cheese and strawberry desert. I was talking with the guy who could sorta speak English, but I noticed the glances the married bloke was giving me. Look, if I knew from the getgo what was going to happen, I would never have agreed to this Italian Experience. I mean the Roman Catholics are highly against Homosexuality, I hear the church excommunicates you. Perhaps this is why they try to cover it up with fake wedding rings and pictures of their faghags posing as their wives. When it all clicked at the table I tried to turn the tables by showing them pics with me and some women I met on my trip so far, thinking they would understand Im not gay. They laughed and said Bellisimo, and I thought I was in the clear. I managed to take a picture of the two as I wanted to at least get some evidence of this insanity. After dinner they asked if I wanted an aperitive so I said sure as I watched the guy pour a full glass or Arramo, a sambuca type drink. I thought it was odd that they only poured themselves a quarter of a glass. We were drinking wine throughout. I guess they thought getting me drunk would lower my inhibitions. Fuck that, I knew exactly what was going on. As I sat at the dinner table, I studied the front door to determine if it was locked from the inside figuring Id have to get through there. The bloke who was staying at the apartment said he was having some computer trouble, as I mentioned I was in computers, and feeling genuinly empathetic, as I always am, not to mention the food was fantastic, I offered to try and sort it out. He led me to a room with his laptop which he sat down. I was standing next to him and the other bloke that started this on the train next to me, as he shut the door behind him. Great I thought, what have I got myself into, the door is shut and Im standing next inbetween 2 gay blokes. His comp was in French, it was hopeless, so I said 'Unless you can get your computer to talk to you in English, I cant help'. Then the guy from the train puts his hand on my hand which was supporting me on the table. I looked at him and said 'no no, I LIKE FIGA, NOT FIGO!', he kind of laughed, the computer bloke was dead serious. I said look I cant help you on this computer issue. Then the train bloke tried to flick my shirt up, so I pulled away and said 'nono, naughty cheeky monkey'. Lets face it, I could have KO'ed both of these blokes, but A) Im not going to start voilence unless they are, and B), Im not going to directly insult then while they surround me as this might lead to A. I knew I had to get out of there. I again replied, 'FIGA, I like FIGA (look it up). Then some kind of divine intervention came about and the train bloke said, 'caffe', which I replied CI. The guy stood up and opened the door and went into the kitchen, which i realized was my way out. I gave it about 5 seconds to make sure the guy was fully in the kitchen to which I shouted out, 'FURCURO TU'!!, then I bolted as fast as I could, opened the front door and bolted down the stairs and just kept running. As I ran I heard, 'I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU' in a half mixed french italian and english accent. I wove the streets and thought, shit, Im gonna have 2 modj chasing me now, I need to get to the train station. But wait a second, whats the reality that 2 almost 50 year old overweight blokes are going to run and catch me. I kept going thinking to myself, yea right, and sorta chuckled as I finally reached the train station. I knew a story was going to come out of this and all in all I had a free meal, and probably some of the best cooking Ive had (modj always make good food), some amazing wine, and I probably managed to piss those guys off enough by bolting. Ive either pissed them off, or they are bumming each other right now in hysteria, but hey, I guess everyone wins. I woulda loved to see the look on their faces just as I bolted. Only thing Im really pissed about is that I didnt get to see Genoa.

dtm

Still in Cinque Terre

I heard that this happens often, people come to Cinque Terre for 2 days and stay for 6. I arrived last Thursday in Monterosso, the last village of the 5. I had a 1 bedroom mini cot with sink to myself for 25 euros..I didnt want my own room but apparently there were no hostels. The plan was to hike all 5 villages by way of the National Cinque Terre park, a hike that I could post an entire new entry about. My friend Shara from Vancouver was staying in a town called Asti and she drove out about 2.5 hours to meet me in Monterrosso. We spent about 5 hours hiking from village to village until the last oe RioMaggiore. It is one of the coolest hikes you could possibly do, trekking through the most incredible scenery, you feel like an Indigenous Italian delivering his Roma tomatoes to the next town. It takes you up cliffs with breathtaking views which make you stop and take a million pictures. The trail in some parts is so narrow you have to wait the q of people just to get around them. It wasent easy but well worth it. My newest pet peeve are the 80 year old German tourists with their stupid ski poles. They really outta put that shit away or not hike the trial at all, someone just might lose an eye. In any case Ive never seen so many 80 year olds challenge themselves in such a strenuous activity. You certainly dont see them on the grouse grind and this was physically harder and farther to travel. I digress. We ended up in Riomaggiore and found Bar Centrale, named accordingly, where we ended up making a host of new friends there. Several beers later we didnt make the train home and crashed at Simon, the aussie Bloke who introduced us to everyone. This is were it gets interesting. Ive been here for the past 6 days and people pretty much know me through my connections. Ive been staying in Riomaggiore for the past 3 days now in a hostel I share with Oliver, whoose bed is next to mine. Oliver is the resident croatian Painter, and is here for 2 months. He paints the coolest oil paintings of the towns here and sells them on street. Lisa a fellow North Vancouveran in the room next to us, Aaron from toronto, Jo from London Ontario, and Stacey from toronto as well. We have a communal kitchen and have been hanging out and cooking. In addition, through Simon I have met Kelly from west Vancouver and Priscilla from Texas. Both Kelly and Priscilla are dating 2 Italian guys in Riomaggiore and since we all meet up at Bar Centrale in the evening where everyone goes, the Italians get rather jealous of us for some weird reason. Its so small that apprently there is drama which I actually find quite amusing, but it keeps it interesting. Im actually on their goodside now as I was discussing with Yuri, Kellys Italian guy, the whole Yuri Gagarin Russian Astronaut deal in the 80s in resemblance to his name, which in his broken, 'ah yes Gagarin, Yuri like my name'. so entertaining, it was a laugh. In any case Cinque Terre is amazing, yet unfortuantly is becoming more of a tourist hotbed since Rick Steeves has been promoting it. The beach is nice, yet rocky in Rio, water is this amazing backlit blue, hiking trails for any type of outdoor enthusiast and 5 different villages built on rock that are quaint and picturesque. The locals are nice and will talk to you and its easy to meet people. This has to be my last day here as I must move on, but lest to say Ive enjoyed my time in Cinque Terre more than Florence or even Naples. Im sold on going to Como next, think i'll bang on Clooneys door for a bedshare.

dtm

Florence Art

If you like Penis, you'll love Florence. Florence is chalk full of Roman statues from Leonidas looking characters, Marcelli's, Augustuses to the Famous David. Its interesting seeing some of these statues and their poses. Some of them rersemble a naked UFC fight. I see where the term 'Greco-Roman' wrestling comes from. The other thing I noticed is that its funny how you get an english translation of where the fire exits are in the museum, but as for reading the tag of the statue, its all in Italian, no translation. How the hell are you supposed to understand what your seeing if its all in Italian? I guess thats why they sell guides?......

And my last thought of de jour....Leonardo, Donatello, Michaelangelo and Rafael, Ninja turtles or Italian Renaissance Painters? Both. How did Splinter come up with Italian Ninjas when Go-Ju Ryu Karate was founded in Okinawa?....